Looking back at past friendships I can confidently say that there were times where I was giving it MY ALL to keep people in my life, and there was zero reciprocation. I left feeling hurt and rejected and alone. I usually found a way to blame myself. I tried to rationalize their lack of reason for finding disinterest in me. I guess that carried into my relationship with Holy Spirit, because while I was striving to keep Him in my life, He was telling me to sit back and just be. I have had to relearn how to have healthy communion with someone. After years and years of having my expectations shredded to pieces, I have had to pick up those pieces and let Holy Spirit mold them back together. Growing up in the church, it is so easy to expect Christians to be phenomenal at everything, including being reliable. The truth of the matter is that Christians are humans too and sometimes life gets the best of them and messes things up. Do not hold it against them, but also know when to stop striving. We are called to have Shalom Peace with everyone, but sometimes that means to make things right and walk away. It is totally okay to not be best friends with every person. God has his 12 disciples but he really had his 3. He has not called us to find deep community with every person we meet. We are called to love all but love does not equal being best friends.
In saying all of this, do not go to church if you want to find perfect friendships. Go to God. Do not go to church if you want to find people who will not let you down. Go to God. Do not go to church if you want to find people who will LOVE spending every waking hour with you. Go to God. Go to church and be the exact person you would expect others to be, but do not let yourself get burnt out and do not get mad when people do not meet your expectations. Love hard and be genuine in all you do. Forgive friends when they let you down and do not ever stop searching for healthy community. When you find that community, hold tight but trust God to ultimately take care of you.
Have deep community with Holy Spirit. Trust Him because He will NEVER let you down. Talk to Him. Listen to Him. And learn to be silent in His presence. This season has been so hard and weird for me, but I know God is working something behind the scenes that I will see the fruit of, in due time. I may feel distant from people, but in that it has pushed me to realize how much more I need to rely on Holy Spirit's communion with me. Find full satisfaction in community with God before ever trying to find it with others. It is His heart's deepest desire of you, so let yourself fall and do not ever come out of it. Sit in it. Bask in it. He will not disappoint you. All other relationships should flourish when you are deeply rooted with Him. But if they do not, you will have His community and that should be enough for you. I am finally finding it is enough for me.